What to Eat While You Listen to Taylor Swift’s ‘The Tortured Poets Department’: Dessert, Of Course

You’ve probably heard already, but Taylor Swift recently released a new album. The Tortured Poets Department hit streaming services on April 19 and has already broken records in true Swift fashion. On the first day, it sold 1.4 million copies. So you’ve not just heard the news, but you’ve probably already listened to at least a handful of the 31 tracks. But have you eaten your way through it yet? Stay with us.

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Beth Garrabrant

 

RELATED: Dairy-Free, Egg-Free Flan Is Just As Creamy and Delicious

One listener, according to The Guardian, compared Swift’s ethereal new album to “eating too much chocolate.” They were mostly referring to the length, but it’s not a surprise that songs about a breakup (it’s rumored to be mostly about Matty Healy, with hints of Joe Alwyn), would make us think of indulgent, comfort food. Research suggests that when we’re feeling sad, or we’re under emotional stress, our brains crave sugar to try and trigger the release of dopamine (a happy hormone).

16 vegan desserts to eat while you listen to ‘The Tortured Poets Department’

So in honor of universally loved breakup foods (cake, ice cream, chocolate, and so on), below, we’ve paired the 16 original tracks from The Tortured Poets Department with a delicious vegan dessert. So get streaming, it’s time to listen and indulge.

Sam Turnbull

1‘Fortnight’: Chunky Vegan Brownie Walnut Cookies

Swift kicks off her new album with “Fortnight,” a collaboration with Post Malone that might be about a short-lived romance that only lasted two weeks (aka, a fortnight). “I’ve always imagined that it took place in this, like, American town where the American Dream you thought would happen to you didn’t, right?” Swift has said of the song. For some reason, perhaps it’s Swift’s mention of the American dream, but this song is saying cookies to us. Chunky brownie walnut cookies, to be exact.
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Vegan Chocolate Treats

2‘The Tortured Poets Department’: Vegan Copycat Twix Chocolate Caramel Bars

Because it references typewriters and Charlie Puth, the second song on the album is rumored to be about Healy (a fan of both). It also includes the lyric, “You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate,” so naturally, we had to include a chocolate bar recipe for this one. And because Healy is British, a Twix just made sense. We don’t recommend eating seven in a row, but we’re not judging if you do.
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Micah Siva

3‘My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys’: 4-Ingredient Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl Banana Ice Cream

Again, the internet believes that Healy was the inspiration behind his track. It’s a sad track, including the lyrics, “I’m queen of sand castles he destroys” and “he saw forever so he smashed it up.” And when you’re feeling that down in the dumps, only a big scoop of chocolate ice cream (preferably with peanut butter and bananas) will do. We don’t make the rules.
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Blissful Basil

4‘Down Bad’: Vegan Double-Chocolate Cherry Chunk Ice Cream

The clue is in the name, but “Down Bad” is another story of heartbreak and “crying at the gym.” Again, we think this one calls for ice cream, this time with double chocolate and plenty of juicy fresh cherries.
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Aimee Ryan

5‘So Long, London’: Vegan Battenberg Cake

Fans think this one might be a follow-up to “London Boy,” a song from Swift’s Lover album that was largely rumored to be about Alwyn. But while that one seemed to be a celebration of their love, this one, fans believe, is her final farewell to the English actor, who she was in a relationship with for six years. The song clearly calls for an English dessert, so we’ve gone for classic Battenberg.
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Hannah Kaminsky

6‘But Daddy I Love Him’: Dairy-Free Orange Creamsicle Popsicle

Many believe “But Daddy I Love Him” is likely Swift’s response to fans’ outrage at the news she was dating Healy (who has a history of being problematic), and suffice to say, she was not thrilled about their reaction. One lyric reads, “I’d rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning.” It’s a serious message, but the song kind of feels upbeat and summery to listen to, hence the popsicle recipe.
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7‘Fresh Out the Slammer’: Vegan and Gluten-Free Apple Pie

If some fan theories are to be believed, “Fresh Out the Slammer” is about going back to a former fling after a long-term relationship (“Fresh out the slammer, I know who my first call will be to”). It features the lyric, “to the one who says I’m the girl of his American dreams,” and what’s more American than apple pie?
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Evi Abeler

8‘Florida!!!’: Vegan No-Bake Mini Key Lime Pies

Featuring Florence + The Machine, “Florida!!!” came about after watching Dateline, according to Swift herself. “People have these crimes that they commit; where do they immediately skip town and go to? They go to Florida,” she said, before explaining that after heartbreak, she also wanted to go somewhere where she could have a “new name” and a “new life.” The best way to honor the song has to be with this tasty twist on the classic key lime pie dessert from the Sunshine State.
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Gibbs Smith Publishing

9‘Guilty as Sin?’: Creamy Vegan Chocolate-Almond Butter Pudding Pie

This (let’s say, slightly spicy) song appears to be all about fantasy, and we have spent a long time fantasizing about indulging in this chocolate-almond butter pudding pie. But the good news is it doesn’t have to be imaginary at all (the pie, we mean, but you do you, Swift).
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So Vegan

10‘Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?’: Rich Vegan Tahini Coffee Shake With Dark Chocolate

“Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” is likely about the hardship of superstardom, which Swift has undeniably reached (or even exceeded) at this point. “I was tame, I was gentle ‘til the circus life made me mean,” she sings. The song is undeniably bitter in many ways, which calls for a bitter (yet delicious) tahini shake, we think.
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Natalie Norman

11‘I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)’: Peach Cobbler Parfait

Another one likely directed at Healy’s problematic behavior, “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)” seems to be about Swift learning that you can’t fix people you’re in a relationship with. The song references Texas (“the dopamine races through his brain, on a six-lane Texas highway”), so we’ve got for a Texan-inspired dessert: Peach cobbler parfait.
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12‘Loml’: Vegan Peanut Butter and Jam Swirled Fudgy Brownies

This is a sad one, and it’s probably about the grief she feels over her breakup with Alwyn (it ends with “you’re the loss of my life”). A song this devastating calls for something really, really sweet and indulgent. Fudgy brownies, you’re up.
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13‘I Can Do It With a Broken Heart’: Vegan Red Velvet Cake With Candied Cranberries and Vanilla Buttercream

One of the hardest parts of being a performer is likely having to sing, dance, and smile while you’re having a difficult time, and Swift captures this feeling in “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart.” “I’m so depressed,” she sings. “I act like it’s my birthday every day.” Well, if that’s the case, you might as well eat some cake at least.
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14‘The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived’: Vegan Salted Tahini-Chocolate Chip Cookies

“The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” appears to be a dig at Healy. “I’ll forget you, but I will never forgive,” she sings at the end of the song. “The smallest man who ever lived.” It’s a little bitter and a little salty, so of course, only a deliciously salted dessert will do. Enter: vegan salted tahini-chocolate chip cookies.
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Vegan Heritage Press

15‘The Alchemy’: Vegan Double Chocolate Chip Brownies

Football player Travis Kelce (who, of course, is Swift’s boyfriend now) finally seems to enter the chat at track 15. The song is loaded with football references, including “touch down, call the amateurs, and cut ‘em from the team.” And if we’re talking sweet football snacks, brownies are hard to beat.
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16‘Clara Bow’: Vegan Miso Butter Caramel Corn

The 16th song on Swift’s album is far from the last, thanks to all the bonus tracks she’s offered, but it’s the last one on our list, and again, it seems to be about the often fickle world of fame and stardom Swift lives in. It references Clara Bow, the first-ever “It girl” and movie star, and so it seemed right to include the ultimate movie snack: caramel popcorn.
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