VegLove: The Art of Letting Go

Control is a funny thing. Most of us like having it, at least to some extent. Sure, control lets us make everyday decisions such as what color to paint our office (I went for a hot pink accent wall) or where we are going to eat our next meal (a vegan butcher shop opened in my city, so that settles that)—but, in the long run, understanding its limitations is also paramount to a healthy mental state and a balanced life.

No greater illusion exists, after all, than the illusion that we have control. Newsflash, friends: none of us actually possess it, despite how often we are called bossy (just me?) or with what regularity we tidy the vegan cheese drawer (just please don’t put the half-used Daiya shreds in the same baggie as the newly opened Violife cheddar block). That’s why there’s a tried-and-true serenity prayer that reminds us to accept the things we cannot change and the courage to change the things we can. And from where I stand, the secret to a happy life lies in that sentiment.

RELATED: VegLove: The Rules for Dating

There is no doubt that relationships are hard, sometimes challenging us on our most primal level. For those of us who tend to gravitate toward partners who trigger and challenge our deepest issues (just me?), the art of relationship can be complex. Though I do believe we can choose to grow in every relationship we are in—be they relationships with ourselves, our significant others, or even friends and colleagues—sometimes it is that very call to action (to be more generous, patient, or flexible) that could be the hardest and best thing we ever do. But nobody’s saying it will be easy.

If you are a person who fancies control (or at least the illusion of it)—and if, like me, you are in an endless search for a more content life (beyond just vegan cheese consumption, though that’s a solid start)—it’s time we start talking about what might just be the biggest and ultimately most satisfying undertaking of your life: how to radically let go.

When it comes to letting go, here are seven rules to live by.

1 You don’t need to have the last word

I might have started this list with the hardest of all the rules, and I definitely struggle with this myself. But having the last word is, let’s be real, kind of silly. You don’t need your partner to validate your perspective in order for it to be your truth, and badgering her into it generally doesn’t work (believe me, I’ve tried).

Mirel Kipioro

2 Pause first—especially if you feel you are in fight-or-flight mode

You can either deliberately announce that pause, or you can just go ahead and take it (“‘cuz that’s your business,” as vegan goddess Tabitha Brown would say). This goes for pausing in conflict, decision-making, or anything where the stakes or emotions could be higher than average.

3 Sometimes, closure is also an illusion 

Or, rather, it’s not something you can obtain from anyone besides yourself. So stop looking for closure from an ex—though I do encourage you to create a little “letting go” ritual—such as burning a candle with a particular intention of saying goodbye, or primal-screaming into the ocean and then moving on with your life already.

4 You can’t control anyone else’s narrative of you, no matter how hard you try

Boy oh boy, do I struggle with this one. Nothing breaks my heart more than when someone I care about makes a value judgment about me, especially if I disagree. But the older I get and the more I recognize great loss and impermanence, the more I realize that not only does it not really matter what others think of me, but they probably aren’t even thinking of me in the first place.

Sam Lion/Pexels

5 Your worst fear is unlikely to happen, but if it does, you will get through it

I can’t explain this with more clarity and straightforwardness than that, so I ask you to trust me (and yourself) on this one. Most of us are at least a little traumatized, and our fear comes from that trauma. Choosing to have faith in our ability to persevere—even if we have no idea how—is everything.

6 Someone else’s issues are not yours

You aren’t responsible for their trauma, but you are responsible for being kind. “But … but they weren’t kind to me,” you say? Well, that sucks. But when talking about control, know that you do have control over how you show up—even when the going gets tough and the person you are dealing with is being a giant asshole. That does not give you permission to be an asshole back, though you should take serious space and pause before you make any next moves.

7 Mindfulness is a muscle that can help you stay grounded in the moment

I like to think of it as something I am practicing, rather than “a practice.” Truth be told, the whole “mindfulness movement” intimidates me, but I don’t want to let that stop me from reaping its benefits—even if my benefits are defined differently than the next mindful maven. By “practicing” to focus on my breath and the sounds around me every day, even for five minutes, I am training myself to get stronger and more comfortable at letting go of the noise, the toxic headlines, and the inevitably painful moments within relationships. I wish the same for you.